I missed yesterday and almost today. We were traveling and got stuck in lots of traffic and it just didn’t get done. Sorry, y’all! Life happens.
Day 3 and 4 kind of go hand in hand, but I’ll try to separate them out.
Social media and blogging can make me real self conscious and not just because I’m putting all my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see. Because I’m not. I share what I want people to know, for the most part. However, I think a lot of social media influencers and bloggers feel the need to post often. I try to post 3 times a day, usually, but sometimes that feels like A LOT. and if you follow me, it may feel like a lot to you too. If so, I’m sorry. Ignore me!
There’s this pressure to not only post often, but they also need to be perfectly aesthetic and you feed needs to all blend and match and WHOAH THAT’S OVERWHELMING TO ME. Some days, I just don’t have anything to say or I’m too busy enjoying life (or not) to post. and on some days when this happens, I make myself post anyway and I almost ALWAYS hate whatever it is I posted. It feels so inauthentic. So sometimes I just disappear for a while because I can’t take the pressure.
Being inauthentic, to me, is one of the worst things I can do. I’ve worked so hard to move myself to a place of living my truth and showing myself and others love. Authenticity in the way I live my life is one of my number one goals. I never want to compromise that.
That leads into day 4, which is comparing yourself to people you see on social media. I am SO GUILTY of this. I’ve posted on the social media “highlight reel” effect before, but man it’s still so true. I find myself lost in the social media black hole of scrolling way back to the depths of someone you admire’s feed and by the time I get there, I want their life. I want to change my hair to look like theirs, dress like them, have 3 kids, and move to Hawaii. It’s so hard for me not to fall into that trap. What they are portraying to the world is their absolute best, and that’s fine!! I just have to remind myself that they have bad days, flat tires, dog poop explosions, and dirty dishes just like me. We don’t readily post those things for the world to see.
I try really hard to be authentic without being negative. I want to be real with y’all all the time, but I also don’t want to seem negative when I share the daily struggles that humans go through. There’s a difference between negativity and real human life.
Honestly, human life is beautiful. As Gary Vaynerchuk pointed out in one of the many podcasts I’ve listened to of us, the probability of us being people is INSANELY small. We’ve already defied so many odds to become a human. Lets all make it count.
So there’s my vulnerability for day 3 and 4. I hope y’all are enjoying these #MagicofVulnerability posts. As scary as it can sometimes be to post them, it really is therapeutic.
Except I’m a teacher in the summer and every day is Saturday for me right now, and it’s GREAT. I don’t even know what day it is most of the time.
I’ve been feeling a bit like the monkey with its hands over its eyes emoji overtime I post, but I guess that’s just par for the course…
On to the vulnerability…
Lets talk about compartmentalizing. I am the world’s BEST compartmentalizer. If I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t. Granted, sometimes this can be good, but most of them time, it’s not.
If you’re familiar with the enneagram (nine interconnected personality types), I am a 7. The enthusiast. I don’t do well with negative emotions. Like I REFUSE to even watch any type of sad movie. My heart just can’t handle it. Sevens stay busy and are always ready for the next adventure, but often times, it’s to avoid experiencing any type of pain. When I get sad, I stay sad for a LONG time.
When I was little, my parents took me to see the Titanic along with my favorite stuffed animal to cover my eyes with during the scandalous parts, of course. I cried for HOURS and was sad for weeks because I made the connection that all of those people really did die way back in 1912. I did the same thing with Pearl Harbor. My heart and mind just can’t take all the sadness. I guess it could be called an empath too?
Anyway, I naturally don’t deal with things like I should. I am really good at just pushing things way back into the corners of my mind and choosing not to think about them. I can go on for weeks, even months, like that.
However, over my past two years of healing and growing, I’ve gotten better about this. I’ve learned that to truly heal, I have to feel the pain. I have to ride that wave. As bad as it hurts, pain and sadness demand to be felt. I’ve learned that it’s a whole lot easier to feel it as it comes than to experience the pain of all the things I’ve suppressed at once.
My personal yoga practice and meditation have made a world of difference in helping me move through sadness and pain instead of pushing it away. It will always catch up with you. ALWAYS. and usually, it’s 20x worse.
As always, thank you for reading my rambles. I hope it’s something you can connect with and take something from. I truly love you all.
Here we go! There’s no turning back now, I guess. My heart is open so lets just dive on in, shall we?
I have no idea whether I am athletic or not. I love sports. I love to watch and play them, but for most of my life…like as long as I can remember…I was afraid to play. So I didn’t. The reason why is so stupid, but I honestly thought I was too fat to be any good and that people would make fun of me. I was too embarrassed and scared to put myself out there.
For the longest, I told myself that I was fat, and fat people aren’t good at sports. LITERALLY SINCE I WAS LIKE 5!
As a young kid, I loved the outdoors, but I loved singing, dancing, and playing make believe more. I didn’t sit in front of the TV for hours or play video games. I lived on lots of land with few neighbors. There weren’t many kids to play with, and I was an only child that actually liked playing by herself. While growing up, we had this huge tree out in the middle of our large front yard. Sometimes on summer evenings, my parents would jokingly tell me to run to the tree and back. This was all meant in good fun, but I would get SO EMBARRASSED and often times refuse to do it. You know why? Because I thought I was fat. AS A CHILD. I didn’t want anyone to see me running to that tree because people make fun of fat people running.
I played soccer, softball, basketball, and tennis throughout my childhood and genuinely enjoyed them. In every single one of these sports, though, I NEVER gave it my all because I just assumed that I wouldn’t be good anyway because I was “fat.” In middle and high school, I was on the cheerleading squad and then dance team, and I was constantly CONSUMED with people thinking I sucked because I was overweight. It held me back.
PE in elementary and middle school physically made me ill EVERY DAY because I was so worried about kids making fun of me. and they did. I would come up with ANY excuse I could to get out of it and then worry about kids thinking I was lazy and fat for not participating. I even had a PE coach in elementary school that made us do chin ups and weighed us in front of our entire class and then yelled out the number. I was DEVASTATED. I was ALWAYS the last one to cross the finish line when we had to run, and I was ALWAYS picked last for teams.
In college, I played in 2 intramural games. A soccer game in which I had the TIME OF MY LIFE and wondered why I had not always played, but I spent a lot of time obsessing over what people were thinking about the fat girl who thought she could play sports. The second was a softball game in which I was forced to play by an abusive ex boyfriend and struck out twice. I was MORTIFIED over it.
Whenever friends wanted to get together for pick up games of ultimate frisby, kickball, or softball, I always sat on the sidelines. I swore to them that I just didn’t like playing and preferred to watch. In actuality, though, I was just scared of being the fat girl that sucked.
and y’all…THAT SUCKED.
I feel so sad for myself when I think about those times. I missed out on so much and probably took 10 years off my life with all of that worrying. I’ve been so scared to participate that now, as a GROWN ADULT, I have no idea if I am genuinely any good at any sport.
and I’m DONE with that. I’ve BEEN done with that for about 2 years now.
I refuse to sit on the sidelines (literally) and worry what people are thinking about me for the rest of my life. WHO CARES if I’m any good or what people say about me if I’m having FUN?? I can’t change the past, but I can heal those wounds and learn from them.
and for the record, I’ve literally only told my mom and husband all of this before. #MagicofVulnerability
If you’re participating, don’t forget to tag @TheMSHippy and @weslie_ and use the hashtag #MagicofVulnerability! Thanks for letting me share my heart with you.
I’ve been hearing that word tossed around a lot lately, but what does it really mean??
noun; the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
WHOAH. That’s pretty intense, right? SCARY. Those are big, meaningful words.
24 days ago, a blogger/social media influencer that I look up to IMMENSELY, Weslie Christensen, started a 30 day #Magic of Vulnerability Challenge (read her original post here). She’s effortlessly cool and really seems like the best mom in the world, so I wondered, what in the world does she have to be so vulnerable about?? Her life and little family just seemed imperfectly perfect. I’ve been following along with the challenge every day, but I had been too scared to join her. Until today.
It’s like something clicked. It changed. I feel this OVERWHELMING need to share this with you guys. The past 2 years of my life have been dedicated to healing, and as Weslie so eloquently shared in her original post, being vulnerable HEALS. It is NOT shameful or embarrassing, and it helps others know that they are NEVER alone.
You might think I’ve been pretty vulnerable with you guys lately, especially if you follow along on Facebook and/or Instagram. And I have. It took me a lifetime to finally be able to share my eating disorder and body dysmorphia with y’all. However, there are other areas of my life I’d love to share too. I want you to know who I really am, and I want to know you! Like REALLY! I DO!! I see these beautiful pictures of so many of y’all online, but I want to know more. What makes you tick? What have you trudged through and come out better for it? Is Vampire Diaries your guilty pleasure? Revealing these things can be terrifying, but REALLY freeing and healing. Lets share in that together!
So are you up for the challenge?? I hope so!
Tag me (@TheMSHippy) and the creator of this challenge Weslie (@weslie_) on Instagram and use the the hashtag #MagicOfVulnerability.
I want this to be a safe place to share. No judgement. No excessive advice. Just listening ears, sounding boards, and love. It doesn’t even have to be through a big public blog or social media post. You can DM me or just write it in a journal. Just get it out!
Just like Weslie said in her post, I promise I will find some piece of me in your story no matter how deep, dark, or ugly it is. I am just grateful and excited to share in this journey with you.
It’s like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff…see you tomorrow!